Less Awards; More Crap

SwitchBlade

– 2011/02/14Posted in: award shows

wp-content/uploads/2010/02/concertxttransthumb1.png

concerts/live performaces/awards/tributes

Which Awards Drama?: The Grammy Awards

Aired When?: February 13, 2011

Time: 8 PM

Station: CBS

Worthiness/Rewatch Possibilities: WTF?

Bottom-line: This wasn’t an awards show, just another opportunity for the WOS to showcase crap.

Commentary: The liquor is ready and so am I. The 53rd annual Grammys award is officially underway. Apparently now that Aretha Franklin is on her deathbed, the Grammys felt that it was “time” to honor this soul/R&B/Gospel diva. I love Aretha, don’t get me wrong. However, I really hated when these mofos attempt to capitalize on R&B’s legend when they’re at their lowest. Either way, the show has officially begun. With clips of Aretha performing her it ballads and belting out her tunes, the show brings out LL Cool J to kick off her segment. Watching LL Cool J on that mutherfucking stage with those fucking sunglasses on continues to piss me off. For the love of God, Negroes you are in doors! Take the fucking glasses off. Either LL or their speechwriters decided to admit that Aretha pretty much help build the Grammy house. It’s nice to know how legendary Aretha is. Perhaps before the WOS was a complete sham, they were able to recognize talent even though they never liked paying for it. Aretha has earned 18 Grammy awards – not simply nominations.

So now we are about to see what the musicians of 2010–2011 would like to call a tribute to the Queen of soul. With the help or demise of an orchestra, Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Hudson, Florence Welch (from Florence and the Machine), Yolanda Adams, and Martina McBride will be conducting the tribute this evening. Hopefully Aguilera has completely learned all of her words and won’t fuck this performance up [a la Super Bowl].

Ms. Weight Watchers, Jennifer Hudson, looks like she’s about to enter the Thunder Dome or striptease with the lace peeking out. All I know is she’s looking a hot mess in this outfit. Hopefully her singing can overshadow her stylist’s fuck up. Was it just me, or did the audience begin to chuckle as Hudson began singing. I think it’s the outfit. McBride is doing an R&B song with this light country twist. I don’t know what to make of Welsh. The first few minutes of the song did not impress me, and that twilight look is doing nothing for me. Aguilera seems to be trying to give her all right out-of-the-box. They even put Aguilera in the middle.

This quartet began singing “Natural Woman.” It’s interesting how they have the chunky snow leading the way to the next ballad. Aguilera is throwing a lot of riffs into her singing. Could this be over compensation, or she simply trying too hard in hopes to make up for Super Bowl disaster. “Ain’t No Way” was the second song performed by the quartet. McBride took the lead on the third song: “Till You Come Back to Me.” Obviously they wanted McBride to shine a little bit, and she did her little diddy at the end. Welsh was up next, and I just want to ask who picked this chick? Where’d she come from? Who the hell are ‘The Machine?’ She tackled “Freedom” and there were some notes that she did not agree with; and they did not agree with her. She gave it her all, but her “all” just simply was not good enough. Now it’s time for the Negroes. Hudson took the lead on the next song, which happened to be “R–E–S–P–E–C–T.” Hudson showed folks how to do a tribute. Next came Yolanda Adams – taking it to Jesus. Not sure what the song was, but Adams rocked that shit. The last song was another collabo with the quartet singing “Sisters Are Doing It for Themselves.” Well we’re at the end of that performance, and it was not as bad as I thought it would be. Yet we still have another two hours to go. Now soon after the performance they showed us Aretha Franklin in her home in Georgia and I’m not sure what to say. Her outfit looked nice, but the dress looked too big on her. She clearly lost weight and you can tell she was not well. I hope she’s okay now and on the road to a full recovery. It should not have taken illness for this legend to get it together.

The quartet returned ready to announce the Best Pop Duo or Group and the nominees were: the cast of Glee – “Don’t Stop Believing;” Maroon 5 – “Misery” Paramore – “The Only Exception;” Sade–“Babyfather;” and Train–“Hey, Soul Sister (live).” The winner was: Train. I like the group from their first album, and this second album was okay. As for “Hey, Soul Sister;” I really wasn’t feeling it too much but I’ll get over it. Now as always with all awards shows, any “Thank You, Jesus” moments get a shot of liquor so lets see how jacked up I can get. I guess after his unsurprising stretch out of the closet, Ricky Martin has been welcomed back to the Grammy stage to announce the performance of Lady Gaga. Apparently, Lady Gaga has already won an award for tonight. However, I see the scam that the award show just pulled. Martin coming out of the closet, and the Gaga saying people were born that way – whichever way she met. Lady Gaga’s new song reminds me much of Madonna’s “Express Yourself,” musically.

The popular media has been pumping up Lady Gaga’s performance as “the performance everyone will be talking about in the morning.” I would like to agree with them. So far this performance sucks ass. I don’t even know where to go from here, as there is far too much more of this performance left. I am even going to need a drink, or maybe four of them, just to get through this shit. I like Lady Gaga, but don’t get it twisted; I can take or leave that bitch. This song is not spectacular and is quickly becoming annoying. She pulled the Phantom of the Opera move again with the fucking piano. Unfortunately that was the only song to be sung by Lady Gaga.

Somebody came out claiming to be Miranda Lambert fiancé bored me before her performance even began. Is it me, or does Lambert make me hate country again – WTF? I thought this chick was cool, now she’s got me all depressed. Like seriously, anyone with depression issues should not listen to this song by Lambert – “The House That Built Me.” Listening to this song makes me want to strangle puppies; and I am talking newborns.

Lenny Kravitz came out next and I’m not sure what to make of his outfit. He has grown on me over the years, but now he’s beginning to freak me the hell out. Another Negro with sunglasses on – indoors. He introduced the British band Muse. I like the song by Muse – “Uprising,” I’m not feeling the “protesters” jumping around on the stage. Just let the band rock bitches. The theme of getting active and becoming real revolutionaries was not something new and not lost on me. Muse did their thing, but I’m sure @BBSband will yell at me when they read this. Now that they’re over what next goody will be in store?

The shrimp, Ryan Seacrest, decided that he’s going to tell us all that we need to listen to the voices of the young. He introduced Bruno Mars, B.o.B, and Janelle Monáe. I know I’m drunk, but can someone tell me why CBS filming some of Bruno Mars is performance in black-and-white? Did they want to have the home audience “feel” the 60s? I actually like his performance. I like the 60s-look he’s giving it, the feel; he’s a very talented brother hence why I favored his 2010 album. Mars needs to realize what notes he can and cannot hit. That shit will make him successful – long lasting. I wasn’t sure about this trio, but they have impressed me greatly. Monáe is up and she is a blessing. I love her look, her performance, and I love her energy. To see Mars moving from the front stage to the drum set and B.o.B on guitar backing up Monáe is amazing. Monáe even dove into the audience as they carried her out to the other side of the stage. Work that shit out. Now that’s hot.

Female country vocal performance was up next, but I don’t really care who wins this so therefore I will not be saying who was listed as a nominee. Eva Longoria came on next to sell us some busted ass video of Justin Bieber performing for Usher – like I give a fuck. That was allegedly an attempt to introduce Usher and Justin Bieber’s performance. Once again Usher proved to be useless. Justin Bieber (much props to him for playing multiple instruments and having some sort of talent) is clearly overhyped and now is holding a guitar that looks bigger than he is. Jaden Smith continues to prove to me that industry is completely lost as he screeches his way across the stage pretending to be a rapper. Is he rocking leopard pants as if he is in the 90s? As the cameras continue to span between Smith’s parents and his Michael Jackson-esque moves, I continued to drink and cry. Next up was the ultimate Michael Jackson thief, I mean tribute artist, Usher. As he sang his song “Oh My,” I wondered what else was on television and began to change channels. I thought this was an award show. I believe we saw three awards given out tonight – on stage. Perhaps the rest were given at another time behind closed doors. Did Bieber dress up like Jackson? Good grief.

Paramore and some chick from NCIS showed up to present the next award, Best Rock album. Jeff Beck; The Muse; Pearl Jam; Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers; and Neil Young. Muse won that category. Now let’s move on. Up next were Donnie Wahlberg and Selena Gomez. To show how little Gomez really has an impact on the industry, the Grammys preferred to play the theme song from Wahlberg’s TV series Blue Bloods. Even that dude is rocking sunglasses – WTF? We all knew why Musiq Soulchild rocks sunglasses, so does everyone have a lazy eye? Wahlberg & Gomez came up to present the award to best Pop and R&B album. Justin Bieber, with his Negroes in the background, was the first name called; Susan Boyle; Lady Gaga (looking straight WTF?) were called next; John Mayer, the anti-Negro Love Snow, and Katy Perry were called last. Lady Gaga took that whole fucking category for Best Pop Vocal album. I would not have wanted it any other way; yet Lady Gaga’s outfit was another matter. There were structured ass cheeks and tits with nipples in her outfit. WTF? Lady Gaga’s outfit was crazy and she even gave a shout out to Whitney Houston stating that she imagine Whitney singing that song, “You Were Born That Way,” What the Fuck?

David Letterman came on and that his Top 10 bullshit. Wasn’t feeling him. Then another group came on but I didn’t catch their name. Watching them get down I felt like I needed to be in someone’s backwoods, with some moonshine and a first cousin/sister-brother. Another group appeared and I ignored their name as well. I’d rather be listening to classical music by now mofos. With Bob Dylan on the microphone, I feel like it’s an inbred convention. This is not encouraging me to listen to more Honky-Tonk.Bluegrass. Things were so bad that my DVR caught up and decided to delete the Grammys as I was watching.

Julie Andrews, Roy Haynes, J Julliard string quartet, Kingston Trio, Dolly Parton, the Ramon’s, George Beverly Shea, were all given a lifetime achievement awards from the Grammys this year. Next was Lady Antebellum and they opened their act singing a Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes tune – “If You Don’t Know Me by Now.” Then they went into their own song. They sang their nominated song and another song about being drunk and promising not to call but wanting a little booty call – something like that. That performance was a little weak given that they only gave song snippets.

Miley Cyrus and the Kings of Leon came up next to present the nominees for Best Country album. Once again I don’t care. Now I’m not skipping Country because I just don’t know any of the current artists, nor do I want to know them at this point. It’s bad enough I have to filter out the god-awful R&B, Hip-Hop, Rap, Pop, and every fucking thing else that I just don’t want to add Country to my fucking plate. Either way, Lady Antebellum won.

Up next was Jamie Foxx’s corny ass. He introduced Cee-Lo and Gwyneth Paltrow’s performance of “Fuck/Forget You” and they came on with the Muppets. Cee-Lo got an award with this but we’re not going to see that either, and since this is not an award show but instead a concert, I guess we’ll find out in the morning. Cee-Lo came out looking like a peacock on acid with a touch of George Clinton; and the Muppets are fabulous as always. Cee-Lo seems to be the Negro Elton John and Paltrow really did good tonight. As @Sweetness22 pointed out this is not the first time she’s performing and neither was the Glee performance. However, she still surprises me. WTF is Cee-Lo really wearing as I see him standing the fuck up.

Neil Patrick Harris, my wingman in my head, came out to introduce Katy Perry’s performance. Katy Perry continues to attempt to hit notes that her vocals cannot support. Katy Perry decided that she would be on a swing (something that is overdone), be lifted into the air, and have clips of her wedding video shown. WTF? Then she decided to dedicate “Teenage Dream” to all the Valentine lovers. WHACK. Norah Jones, John Mayer, and Keith Urban – all three did a mini-tribute to Dolly Parton as they sang “Jolene.” After, the trio presented Song of the Year in which I am rooting heavily for Cee-Lo or Eminem and Rihanna. Damn Lady Antebellum; they won it but we know better. Seth Rogen was up next talking shit and pretending to introduce something. They had Seth Rogen introduced Eminem, Rihanna, Dr. Dre, Adam Levine, and Skylar Grey. Eminem is my dude; but with Fox censoring almost the entire song I couldn’t get into it. He just saying his shit the way it was – let it play!! It’s really sad that it takes a White boy to get this sista excited about Hip-Hop again. Eminem has the entire place on its feet. That folks, is how you do a performance!

Jewell and John Legend were next. Jewell looks amazing & knocked up (I don’t keep up with celebs fertility dramas), and John Legend just collected three more Grammys tonight but of course we were not going to see that. They came out to announce the winner for New Artists. Wow, thank you imaginary Lord, Esperanza Spalding (Jazz artist) won the award for New Artists; beating out Justin Bieber and Drake. Can it be that someone with taste voted? Matthew Morrison, from ‘Glee,’ came out next and the announcer stated that Morrison would be coming out with his own album soon. He introduced the president and CEO of the Grammy, Neil Portnow who came on talking about Grammy Camp and the band on stage playing. Portnow is really pushing for people to support the Grammys and all their efforts towards their community services.

Now it’s time for the Grammys to pay tribute to all that passed away in the previous years 2010–2011. James Moody, jazz saxophonist, flutist. John Kendall, music educator. Dr. Billy Taylor, jazz pianist, composer, or educator. Herb Ellis, jazz guitarist. Leno worn, jazz singer, actress. Hank Cochran, country songwriter. Bobby Hebb, R&B, pop singer, songwriter. Gladys Horton of “The Marvelettes,” R&B\pop singer. Teena Marie, R&B/soul singer, songwriter, and producer. Gerneral Norman Johnson, R&B singer, songwriter, and producer. Gregory Isaacs, reggae singer, musician. Sugar Minott, reggae singer. Harvey Fuqua, R&B singer, songwriter, producer, executive. Garry Shider, musical director, P-Funk All Stars. Dick Griffey, founder of SOLAR records. Caresse Henry, entertainment manger. Ronnie James Dlo, heavy metal singer, songwriter. Doug Fleger, lead singer and rhythm guitarist, Knack. Eddie Fisher, pop singer. Jimmy Dean, country singer, TV host, entrepreneur, breakfast sausage king. Alex Chilton, rock singer, guitarist, songwriter. Walter Hawkins, gospel singer. Albertina Walker, gospel singer. Solomon Burke “The King of Rock ‘N Soul.” Mick Jagger came out next with a tribute to Solomon. Jagger still had his elderly swag and rocked it out on stage. Mick Jagger is still capable of running around the stage looking like a crackhead but looking good, looking good. A good-looking crackhead.

A Trustee Awards went to Al Bell and two other people. Kris Kristofferson came out next to introduce Barbra Streisand. This broad continuously claims to retire and I think it’s just to sell ticket and now she is on the fucking Grammys. I like Streisand but I’m over her. Nicki Minaj came out looking like an electrocuted leopard; and she came out with Will.I.Am from the Black-Eyed Peas to present the award for Best Album of the Year. The nominees were B.o.B. – “The Adventures of Bobby Ray;” Eminem – “Recovery;” Drake – “Thank Me Later;” Jay-Z – “The Blueprint 3;” and The Roots – “How I Got Over.” Eminem won that category for Recovery. That’s the way it should be.

Puffy came out next with a grill piece in his fucking mouth. His bottom teeth look like someone knocked him the fuck out. Now were the gold caps on the bottom of his teeth supposed to make him look thug? He introduced the performance of Rihanna and Drake. When Rihanna performs on other artists’ albums, she helps to elevate their game. She needs to bring that focus to her own shit as well. What is up with the bonfires in all of Rihanna’s performances whenever she does collaborations. Jay-Z and Kanye West. Drake. And now Eminem. Something’s going on with that shit and it’s starting to freak me out.

Lady Antebellum won Best Record (Song) of the Year, which now causes me to believe that the Grammys is full of shit. For that song to beat out Cee-Lo and Eminem makes no sense. The midget in the group screeches on every song he’s on. If the girl is not lead on the song, the song doesn’t belong. Either way, we have Album of the Year left in this bootleg concert. Next, I finally saw Arcade Fire in action and that shit was a disgrace. I’m at a loss for words when I saw this group perform whatever song they performed. The group just looked confused, and that in turn confused me. Kris Kristofferson and Barbra Streisand came out to present the Album of the Year award. The “Suburbs” by Arcade Fire; “Recovery” by Eminem; “Need You Now” by Lady Antebellum; “The Fame Monster” by Lady Gaga; and “Teenage Dream” by Katy Perry. The winner was Arcade Fire. WTF? How the hell did that happen? What world am I trapped in? This is some bullshit. As usual the award show ends in chaos and it seems like Arcade Fire gets to perform again. Why not just set the stage ablaze and call it a fucking night?